The Dance of Closeness and Space: An Anxious–Avoidant Love Story

Attachment theory helps explain how we relate to closeness, safety, and connection in relationships. People with anxious attachment often seek reassurance and emotional closeness to feel secure, while those with avoidant attachment tend to prioritize independence and may pull back when things feel emotionally intense. When these two styles pair up, they can create a familiar cycle: one partner moves closer, the other steps back. Not because they don’t care—but because their nervous systems are trying to protect them.

Mark loved Jenna deeply. He just preferred to love her from a safe emotional distance—roughly the length of a couch, a phone, and several unfinished thoughts.

Jenna, on the other hand, loved closeness. She loved talking things through, checking in, and asking questions that began with, “Can we talk about—”

Which is how the evening started.

“Can we talk about us?” Jenna asked, following Mark into the kitchen.

Mark’s inner dialogue “uuggghhhhhh” as he opened the fridge, even though he wasn’t hungry. “Now?”

“Yes. Just for a minute.”

Mark nodded, the way someone nods when agreeing to carry a couch up three flights of stairs. “Okay.”

Jenna took a breath. “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected.”

Mark’s shoulders tightened. Disconnected sounded expensive. “I don’t see how,” he said. “We had dinner together. We watched a show.”

“Yes, but emotionally—”

Mark closed the fridge and immediately reopened it, as if answers might be hiding behind the milk. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to tell me what you’re feeling.”

Mark considered this. Feelings were slippery. Feelings led to more feelings. “I’m fine.”

Jenna’s anxiety perked up like it had been waiting for this exact sentence. “When you say you’re fine, it feels like you’re pulling away.”

“I’m not pulling away,” Mark said, already stepping back. “I just need space.”

“Space from what?”

Mark panicked. “From… pressure.”

Jenna moved closer. “I’m not trying to pressure you. I just want to feel close.”

Mark moved closer to the doorway. “I am close. I’m right here.”

They froze, standing three feet apart, both unsatisfied.

Jenna sighed. “When you pull back, I chase. When I chase, you pull back more.”

Mark nodded. “That does sound like something we do.”

They sat on the couch in cautious proximity.

Jenna leaned in. Mark didn’t move away. Growth.

“Can we keep working on this?” she asked.

Mark exhaled. “Yeah. Just… maybe not all at once.”

It wasn’t perfect—but for them, it was progress.

If you recognized yourself in Mark, Jenna, or both, you’re not alone. Anxious–avoidant dynamics are common—and highly workable with support. Therapy can help slow the cycle down, build emotional safety, and create new patterns of connection.